Hidden Valley Ranch: Crime Syndicate

    

    This is the article that may get me killed so be cautious who this information gets shared with. I have mind blowing theory about hidden valley and all other condiment manufacturers and distributers that not only would change the way we think about food packaging, but life as a whole. 

    

    I came up with this theory back in college after I microwaved some frozen chicken strips for dinner. I had the chicken strips on the plate in front of me and I grabbed a bottle of ranch to add a little mid-west jazz to flavor it up. When I popped off the cap and squeezed the bottle to give myself a generous (but nothing over the top) amount of ranch to dip in, I found that half of the ranch bottle had just poured out all over my plate and ruined the chicken to ranch ratio that I have developed over the years. The cause? A lack of a bottle nipple that is usually under the cap. 

    

    THIS FUCKING BOTTLE NIPPLE HAS BEEN THE BANE OF MY EXISTANCE FOR YEARS NOW. I'VE WASTED SO MUCH FUCKING CONDIMENTS, LIKE SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE ACTUALL FUCK. 

    So when I started thinking about it, I began to remember how often this has happened to me. Ask yourself how many times have you made a salad, decided to add ranch or caesar dressing and then literally ruined it with half a bottle of bullshit because of this missing nipple? And don't give me that bullshit of "Well don't buy the bottle with the wide mouth then", YOU FIND ME A NORMAL BOTTLE THAT SAYS WIDE MOUTH, I FUCKING DARE YOU. THEIR IS ZERO/NADA INDICATION ON THE AVERAGE BOTTLE THAT TELLS YOU WHETHER OR NOT IT HAS A NIPPLE OR NOT. 

    

    Before my day of epiphany, I would just excuse it as lack of a functioning quality department. Like there was no way they were actually checking every bottle they sold or none of this would be an issue. But then I started thinking....... What.......if.......... they didn't check on purpose? What if they decided that not checking for a lack of this little piece of plastic could actually make them millions in the long run? My theory is that they 100% know about this issue and do nothing about it because THEY WANT YOU TO WASTE RANCH!! It makes perfect sense! They sell you a non-conforming bottle of ranch for $2-$5, you waste half of it in one use, you run out of your favorite dipping sauce faster, and then you finally have to go back to the store to spend more money than you should have in the first place. It may not be illegal, but it's deceiving the customers into purchasing more which might as well be stealing. 

Conclusion:

- Big Condiment is stealing your hard earned money

- Hidden Valley wont answer any of my emails 

- #InspectTheNipple  

Now Say Something Nice:

-Ranch is great on pizza