After week four of the NFL season, I think it's safe to say that Jared Goff has finally found his inner Lion. After Sundays 14-24 loss to the Chicago Bears Jared Goff said to the media, "Yeah, maybe a pissed-off team will execute a little bit better and that’s me included. How can we be better next week? Maybe getting pissed off will be the answer.” Who gets more pissed off than a member of the Lions organization? Nobody. Goff has finally rejected his old California ways and has accepted the fact that he now lives in Michigan, and must fully embrace his newfound Michigander lifestyle and attitude.
I've Been Digging Through Jared Goff's Trash
After digging though Jared Goff's trash yesterday we found some evidence to confirm this claim. At first sight we found a surfboard laying next to the trashcan which is pretty good evidence that Goff wont need it for the Detroit River. Next we opened up the first trashcan which was full of Tofu and hundreds of pounds of Beyond Burger (vegetarian burger). The smell was disgusting so we played it off as maybe he left his freezer open and thawed all the meat.........which now that I'm writing this sounds ridiculous as its all vegetarian. Does fake meat go bad? Like is there an expiration date? Honestly I don't care, I'm not a soy boy. We also found the keys to his Tesla, still searching the trash for the Tesla.
What really convinced my team and myself that Goff had become a full blown Michigander..... were hundreds of receipts to Krogers, Meijers, Walmarts, Northwoods Wholesale Outlet in Pinconning, etc. It's impossible to write down everything that he purchased in the months since arriving in Michigan......but I'll list a few.
- Snow Blower
- Verners Ginger Ale
- Carhart Jacket
- Pastie Recipe book
- Fresh Water Fishing for dummies
- Tire Repair (pot hole damage)
- Big Boy (Breakfast Buffet/Spaghetti)
- A "My Governors' an Idiot Bumper Sticker"
- Ford F-150 (Basic Package)
- 30 cases of Busch Light (5 cases were the hunters orange cans, not sure why they had that info on the receipt)
- An Only Fans subscription to Brandi Love (Fire up Chips)
- Burn Permit
- 50lbs of Fudge
- Tree Stand
- Detroit vs Everybody Shirt, Shoes, and Shorts
- Ponderosa (didn't that place close?)
- A 1997 University of Michigan National Champs Sweatshirt (shared with Nebraska)
- A statue of Paul Bunyan
- 10 cases of Bell's Two Hearted Ale
- Autographed Al Kaline baseball
- Farmers Almanac
- Fishing License (way overpriced)
- Season tickets to the Great Lakes Loons
- Pontoon (with Tiki Bar)
- 12 receipts from Eminem's new Mom's Spaghetti restaurant (literally just orders spaghetti)
- 20 cases of Labatts Blue (0-4 must be tough on him)
- Superman Ice-cream
- Bottle Return Receipts
- Euchre For dummies
- Speeding Ticket ( 32 in a 25)
- Fish Frys (multiple locations, only on Fridays)
- Koegel Red Hots
- North-Side Winter Jacket
- Apples/Apple Cider
- Luckys Hunting Blind
- Deer Combination License/ Base Tag
- Ice Auger
- I Hate Ohio T-shirt
- etc.
Conclusion
Goff has been busy. I believe he now has what it takes to take Detroit to five or six (9-8) seasons with Dan Campbell by his side. No boxes were found so we know for a fact that Goff has been saving them for kindling (big Michigan energy).
Prediction
Lions (15) - Vikings (21)
Don't bet the over
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