After being wrongfully released by the Oakland Raiders on 10/11/21, Jon Gruden has decided to take a step back and finish this fall by accepting a Head Coaching position at The Adolf Hitler School of Tolerance and Understanding, Arians. He will be replacing former Arians Coach, Hans Gruber, who resigned to follow his dreams of Domestic Terrorism. Gruden will only be the 3rd head coach in the history of the school in what seems like a series of crusades for the young football program.
When asked why he decided on settling for a high school job Gruden had this to say,
"This is the only logical path for me heading forward. I need to show everyone that I'm not the racist, sexist, and homophobic man that all these butt-fucks are saying I am. Once I clear my name, I intend on Suing the NFL for Defamation of Character. Then I'll use that money to create my own Professional football league called The Don't Ask, Don't Tell League. That way it will keep me blissfully ignorant to personal matters like race, pronouns, and any other weird shit that could get me into any trouble. I'm not actually aware of the guy that this school is named after, but I imagine he was some sort of Artist or whatever the hell a Hitler is."
Currently the Arians are 0-7 this season, this may be for a lack on athletes in the school because they only enroll students that are blond with blue eyes. Though Gruden still thinks they can make an impossible run into the playoffs with the enrollment of Quarterback Nathan Peterman. I myself didn't think Peterman had any eligibility left but apparently that's not stopping Furer (that's what the Head Coach is called here) Gruden from letting him take snaps in practice.
Gruden explained his reasoning behind enrolling Nathan Peterman into the school,
"I don't care if he's good or not, I just love the fuckin guys name, PETE-MAN, gotta love it..... not in a gay way."
Gruden would not answer any questions about the emails that landed him in trouble. He only firmly told us that, "If I was in a room with Roger Goodell with no one else around, yeah I'd probably kill that cock-sucker".
Before leaving the press conference he let us know that he sometimes makes his team get a flag thrown on them on purpose if the referee is a woman so he can, "Watch them bend over and pick it up in front of him".
Conclusion
Jon Gruden is not the reason the Bears won last Sunday, stop saying that. They played a real football game, it's not like they threw it on purpose so stop saying that.
Prediction
Raiders (14) - Broncos (31)
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